Because I Want To Remember Everything About You…
February 19th I let go of someone who had played a big part of my life for seven years and who others and even myself at times thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.
Three days later, on February 22nd, I met someone who changed my life. It truly was that whole “when one door closes, another one opens” type of deal. I was walking out of the bathroom at Stoney’s that Friday night and walking into the bathroom was this man in jeans and a red, white, and blue plaid shirt. We locked eyes, but didn’t say anything to each other. Two minutes later he bumped into me (he’ll tell you I bumped into him, but that wasn’t the case.) He apologized and moved on. I told my friends that he was British and I just wanted him to keep talking to me so I could enjoy his accent. I kept my eye on him throughout the night in case I grew lady balls to actually go up and talk to him.
The night went on and we actually ended up standing at the same table. I told him he was the guy that ran into me earlier and he said that was not the case because if he had run into me he would have bought me a drink, so I of course had to do some convincing, but I got him to buy me a drink. We shared witty banter and occasionally had to explain things to each other since we didn’t understand the British/American phrases. He told me that he had “met his match” and we were on the same wavelength and just got each other. He then proceeded to kiss me. (Now I’m not one that really makes a big deal about kissing…if I like you enough, I’ll kiss you on the first night…also helps me decide if I feel that extra spark.) We proceeded to talk until the bar closed. I should have taken the cab home with my friends, but my car was there and something was drawing me towards him and I knew I couldn’t leave yet. We walked around Town Square and sat on the grass just talking until I could drive. He asked me if I wanted to hang out on Monday and I said yes. He said he would call me and I didn’t believe him for a second, because I’ve been fed that line many times.
Sunday afternoon I got a text message asking if I still “fancy coming over” on Monday. I was shocked. For the first time in quite awhile I was pleasantly surprised that someone had done exactly what they said they would. Monday I went over to his hotel (he was in town for 3 1/2 more weeks for Royal Air Force training.) I sat in my car for a couple minutes wondering if I should be doing this, but I composed myself and went upstairs. We talked about our lives and just got to know each other. I showed him our 4:00 p.m. news program and explained what I do and who everyone was.
It was a nice day and we planned on going to dinner Sunday, but I knew I liked him and if he was only here a short amount of time I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I went over on Thursday as well.
Sunday we went to The Meatball Spot where we each got meatballs and shared mashed potatoes. I wore a blue dress with a brown belt and brown shoes and he wore jeans, a blue plaid shirt, and brown shoes. It was like we already fit together. We talked more about life this time but got deeper into our conversations.
We proceeded to spend many more afternoons/evenings at his hotel room just getting to know each other and around Vegas exploring the strip, my favorite coffee shop in the city, hiking at Red Rock, and visiting Spring Mountain Ranch and Bonnie Springs.
There are certain things that made me feel close to him that I can’t put in words, especially the way he was able to calm me and make me feel comfortable after I told him a story about my dad. I don’t tell anyone about my dad unless the subject is brought up, because I don’t want a pity party and it always turns awkward, but not with him. He knew exactly what to do and I hope some day I find that again.
Before I knew it, March 19th was here and it was time for him to go back home. We went out for an early birthday dinner for me the night before and he gave me a couple presents and the most heartwarming card before he left. We both had so much to say to each other, but couldn’t bring ourselves to say the words, because we both knew it would just end with us both in tears.
Before this year I had probably cried a total of five times in the past three years, but since this year I’ve already far surpassed that number. I’ve learned that with getting older comes real feelings and real decisions that need to be made that will affect the rest of your life and sometimes affect others as well.
For many reasons we can’t be together now or possibly ever, but I will forever remember the spring that I spent with him and how he saved me and made me realize there are people in the world who will do exactly as they say. Even though our time was short and I do not know if we will make any more memories together, he made me believe in love again and I will be forever grateful for that. We agreed to continue talking, because we meant too much to each other to just stop cold turkey. He’s away in Afghanistan now, so talking will be sparse, but it will give me time to decide if this is something I want to pursue or if I should just let it go as one of the best months of my life.
Until then, I pray every day that he is safe.
"I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you."-Dirty Dancing
"We’ll always be something."
Yes, but just not enough.
"What irritated me most in that entire situation was the fact that I
#the unchosen life
wasn’t feeling humiliated, or annoyed, or even fooled. Betrayal was
what I felt, my heart broken not just by a guy I was in love with, but
also by, as I once believed, a true friend."
When do you give in and just let yourself be happy?
Just let yourself stop worrying about getting hurt?
Stop thinking of everything that could go wrong and hoping that things will go right?
Life is all About Timing….
….and when it comes to my love life I’m always one beat off.
I fell in love when I was 17 years old. At least as much as a 17-year-old can be. I believe that every love you have is different, but that true first love was everything I could have ever wanted for myself. For some reason, I can’t let it go. The relationship ended 3 1/2 years ago…the continuous hooking up…2 1/2 years ago. Yet I still cannot let go. Maybe not so much I “can’t,” but I “choose” not to. We stay in contact, seeing each other every time he’s in town and when it comes down to it, we’re always there for each other. My best friend from high school is still rooting for my fairytale ending. My mother even still thinks that some day we’ll end up together. The last time she saw him I was mad at him and he knew it. My mother and him had a long conversation and afterwards she told me that he still cares for me and loves me. No, he didn’t actually spit those words out, but my mom is one of the best people readers I know. We’re both too stubborn and afraid of rejection that neither of us will ever share our feelings. A year ago we spoke about the possibility of getting back together, but like always, he would shut down anytime a serious conversation was laid on the table. Because of that I said I was done. Like we all know, things are much easier said than done.
Then there are other days where I look at that break-up as a blessing in disguise. I re-gained my independence…I joined my sorority, I went to Prague to study abroad, then I went to New York for a whole summer to intern.
New York was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I began to believe in love again. I fell in love that summer with a city, a culture, a lifestyle, the sun, the moon, the sky, nature, human beings, travel, and almost everything I laid my eyes on. Then there was a boy. A boy who I had an immediate connection with the moment we shook hands and exchanged smiles. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My hair was curled…I had a navy blue dress on with a brown belt and my brown cowboy boots. We spent half the day running errands….talking the whole time and getting to know each other. We were a perfect combination of similar and complete opposite. We grew very close in the 10 weeks we spent together. We had the best non-date date I’ve ever had in my life. We went out with other friends in the city for a quick drink then went back down to Brooklyn to just do our own thing. On the hot, humid subway ride we shared intimate stories of how my dad died, the two times he had cancer, and the moment he realized he needed to be a better person. He told me it wasn’t fair that I was the one intern that lived on the west coast, because I was the one person he would want to spend time with outside of it all. When we got to Brooklyn we walked the streets at night until we found the first open bar. He grabbed my hand and probably felt my stomach leap up to my neck and the butterflies fly rampant. We shared an appetizer and ordered “Original Sin” beer. We talked for hours about our lives and relationships. He told me I was the type of person he would bring home to his family and eventually marry. We then walked back to my apartment, hand in hand. Then the moment that I had been dreaming of for weeks, but knew should never happened…the first kiss…another moment I remember like it was yesterday. We were jokingly arguing about something and he kept getting closer and closer until his lips touched mine. The rest of the night was innocent…cuddled up next to each other sharing sweet kisses. The summer eventually came to an end with him getting a job in New York and me coming back to Vegas to finish my last semester at UNLV. Yes, in a perfect world we would be together, but I am so grateful to have met him for so many reasons. Mostly because I knew that I was still able to find a connection with someone that I never thought I would find again. It gave me hope.
One year later I found it again with the most unexpected person. We don’t have a ton in common, but he makes me laugh until I’m bent over, holding my stomach and challenges me in ways that are so different than anyone else. Everyone sees a connection between us, but for multiple reasons, we’ll never be together. He flirts with me, hates when I don’t talk to him, and always makes sure I’m ok, but it will never be enough. He’s part of the reason I broke up with a boy who loved me. I didn’t want to lead someone on when I had a deeper connection with someone else even if I wasn’t going to date them.
People keep asking me what I want and my answer is “I don’t know.” I do know though. I know what would happen in my perfect world, but I also know life isn’t perfect, so because of that, I don’t know what I want in my real life.
Last summer I was told by a guy that getting married is all about time….a guy can be in love with a girl at 24, but if he’s not “ready for marriage” he won’t marry her. However, if he loves at 27 and is “ready for marriage” he’ll marry her even if he doesn’t love her as much as the previous girl. I do know that I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be the girl someone marries because they want to be with me for the rest of their life, not because it’s convenient or they think it’s the right thing to do cause all their friends are getting married and their family is telling them to get married. I also know I don’t want to be married for another 5 years. I want to have my career completely on track and find someone who fits perfectly into my life.
I will forever be waiting for that serendipitous moment that will get me to this life.
"There’s absolutely nothing ‘fun’ about falling in love. Nope. Mostly it just makes you feel sick and crazy and anxious and nervous that it’s going to end miserably and ruin your whole life."