….and when it comes to my love life I’m always one beat off.
I fell in love when I was 17 years old. At least as much as a 17-year-old can be. I believe that every love you have is different, but that true first love was everything I could have ever wanted for myself. For some reason, I can’t let it go. The relationship ended 3 1/2 years ago…the continuous hooking up…2 1/2 years ago. Yet I still cannot let go. Maybe not so much I “can’t,” but I “choose” not to. We stay in contact, seeing each other every time he’s in town and when it comes down to it, we’re always there for each other. My best friend from high school is still rooting for my fairytale ending. My mother even still thinks that some day we’ll end up together. The last time she saw him I was mad at him and he knew it. My mother and him had a long conversation and afterwards she told me that he still cares for me and loves me. No, he didn’t actually spit those words out, but my mom is one of the best people readers I know. We’re both too stubborn and afraid of rejection that neither of us will ever share our feelings. A year ago we spoke about the possibility of getting back together, but like always, he would shut down anytime a serious conversation was laid on the table. Because of that I said I was done. Like we all know, things are much easier said than done.
Then there are other days where I look at that break-up as a blessing in disguise. I re-gained my independence…I joined my sorority, I went to Prague to study abroad, then I went to New York for a whole summer to intern.
New York was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I began to believe in love again. I fell in love that summer with a city, a culture, a lifestyle, the sun, the moon, the sky, nature, human beings, travel, and almost everything I laid my eyes on. Then there was a boy. A boy who I had an immediate connection with the moment we shook hands and exchanged smiles. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My hair was curled…I had a navy blue dress on with a brown belt and my brown cowboy boots. We spent half the day running errands….talking the whole time and getting to know each other. We were a perfect combination of similar and complete opposite. We grew very close in the 10 weeks we spent together. We had the best non-date date I’ve ever had in my life. We went out with other friends in the city for a quick drink then went back down to Brooklyn to just do our own thing. On the hot, humid subway ride we shared intimate stories of how my dad died, the two times he had cancer, and the moment he realized he needed to be a better person. He told me it wasn’t fair that I was the one intern that lived on the west coast, because I was the one person he would want to spend time with outside of it all. When we got to Brooklyn we walked the streets at night until we found the first open bar. He grabbed my hand and probably felt my stomach leap up to my neck and the butterflies fly rampant. We shared an appetizer and ordered “Original Sin” beer. We talked for hours about our lives and relationships. He told me I was the type of person he would bring home to his family and eventually marry. We then walked back to my apartment, hand in hand. Then the moment that I had been dreaming of for weeks, but knew should never happened…the first kiss…another moment I remember like it was yesterday. We were jokingly arguing about something and he kept getting closer and closer until his lips touched mine. The rest of the night was innocent…cuddled up next to each other sharing sweet kisses. The summer eventually came to an end with him getting a job in New York and me coming back to Vegas to finish my last semester at UNLV. Yes, in a perfect world we would be together, but I am so grateful to have met him for so many reasons. Mostly because I knew that I was still able to find a connection with someone that I never thought I would find again. It gave me hope.
One year later I found it again with the most unexpected person. We don’t have a ton in common, but he makes me laugh until I’m bent over, holding my stomach and challenges me in ways that are so different than anyone else. Everyone sees a connection between us, but for multiple reasons, we’ll never be together. He flirts with me, hates when I don’t talk to him, and always makes sure I’m ok, but it will never be enough. He’s part of the reason I broke up with a boy who loved me. I didn’t want to lead someone on when I had a deeper connection with someone else even if I wasn’t going to date them.
People keep asking me what I want and my answer is “I don’t know.” I do know though. I know what would happen in my perfect world, but I also know life isn’t perfect, so because of that, I don’t know what I want in my real life.
Last summer I was told by a guy that getting married is all about time….a guy can be in love with a girl at 24, but if he’s not “ready for marriage” he won’t marry her. However, if he loves at 27 and is “ready for marriage” he’ll marry her even if he doesn’t love her as much as the previous girl. I do know that I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be the girl someone marries because they want to be with me for the rest of their life, not because it’s convenient or they think it’s the right thing to do cause all their friends are getting married and their family is telling them to get married. I also know I don’t want to be married for another 5 years. I want to have my career completely on track and find someone who fits perfectly into my life.
I will forever be waiting for that serendipitous moment that will get me to this life.